Period 1 Blog #14

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Romeo and Juliet' has led us astray

Romantic love, love at first sight -- it's great theater but disastrous dating advice.

February 14, 2010|By Andrew Trees

What if Shakespeare had it wrong about love in "Romeo and Juliet"? In fact, what if all of us have it wrong and our ideals of love and romance are hopeless? Perhaps the time has come to reconsider the concept of romantic love. We need to ask whether, in the pursuit of the perfect romance, we haven't actually declared war on true love. Cupid's arrow does strike often, but with the U.S. divorce rate near 50%, one has to wonder whether the wound is particularly deep or long-lasting.

Our typical romantic beliefs are quite often wrong. For instance, even couples who are blissfully happy together can't count on a happy ending. The PAIR project, a long-term academic study of couples, found that those most in love when they marry are also the most likely to get divorced.

And the chemical attraction that many people rely on to choose a partner has been found to fade "to neutrality" in two to three years. That's right, neutrality, which is deadly for a marriage. In my research, I even discovered that wife murderers tend to be strong believers in the romantic ideal. Take that, Romeo and Juliet.

Love and romance did not always rule. As recently as the 1930s, American men ranked mutual attraction as only the fourth most important quality for a relationship, while women had it even lower, placing it fifth. But in recent decades, love has climbed to No. 1, accompanied by a rise in the importance of looks, which suggests that our romance with romance is long on style and short on substance.

I hate to sound unromantic, but perhaps it's time to place less emphasis on romantic attraction as the key to finding a partner. What can shoulder some of the load? I would suggest that we rely a little more on what science has discovered about human attraction.

For instance, some researchers can now predict whether a couple will stay together with far more accuracy than the couple themselves. And it has less to do with the things we might think, such as fighting, and far more to do with the things we take for granted, such as asking your spouse about his or her day.

According to a 1982 study by two Indian researchers, the level of self-reported love in arranged marriages increased over time. They reported more love than in marriages that were freely chosen. Incredible as it sounds, people with a very limited say in choosing their own spouses eventually became happier with their relationships than people with the freedom to choose anyone they wanted.

Although we almost always read "Romeo and Juliet" as a story of love at first sight, Shakespeare actually offered his own critique of romantic love at the beginning of the play. Romeo is pining away for love -- but not for Juliet. There is another fair damsel who has rejected Romeo's advances, and he declares himself inconsolable. He disdains finding someone else and tells Benvolio, "Thou canst not teach me to forget" -- which is, of course, precisely what happens a few scenes later when Romeo meets Juliet and realizes that he was completely wrong before and only now has discovered true love.

We never remember that part of the story, though, because if we think of "Romeo and Juliet" from that perspective, the whole play starts to contradict our usual romantic notions.

Perhaps the time has come for us to take a skeptical view of romance We should realize that "Romeo and Juliet" has led us astray. Shakespeare's story may be entertaining, but it is disastrous dating advice.

• -          Do you believe Shakespeare believed in love at first site or was criticizing it?
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• -          Do you believe in love at first site? Why or why not?
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• -          What do you think about the information the author uncovered about love in arranged marriages vs. love in freely chosen marriages?
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• -          What is your favorite love story of all time? From a book, television show, movie or real life? Why is it your favorite?